PLAYERS: There is a sliding scale of "bottle" for those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as:

Poofs: Only play until the bell goes to signal the end of playtime/lunchtime.

Chancers: Those who play until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room.

Nutters: Those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them.

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the score line achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The score line to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS: The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out cross the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper. The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS: Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES: Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall: The retrieval time is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or 'four of the belt' to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually last struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball: The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kick about amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

3. Menopausal 'old bag' confiscates ball: (More of a threat in the street or local green kick-about than within the school walls.) Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have omitted the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION: Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross or to wave his shirt in the air.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poacher" from the opposing defence. "goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES: At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON: This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open, and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

2. It’s tough being a Referee in the Czech Republic:                Take me back to the top of this page
(Written by Pavel Grujbar and Jan Haisman, Czech Republic (Feb 2004))

Even though The Laws of the Game are the same here in the Czech Republic, Refereeing is not quite the same as it is in England, there is definitely a difference in the attitude and behavior of the spectators and the Football Club officials. Our population has been aversely effected for so long in a society without trust or hope, governed by 40 years of strict communist regime. We generally only trust our close friends and family - and sometimes not even those!

A typical match day begins much the same as it does in England. I pack my equipment, drive to the stadium (if you can call it that!) On arrival, I introduce myself to the Club officials, who direct me to the Referees' changing room. Once inside, I prepare myself for the game, and complete a match report which is passed later to the home-team officials for their completion. After changing to a sports suit, I inspect the field of play and complete my warm-up exercises. Once all of these pre-match preliminaries have been completed, I (with my Assistant Referees if they are available) enter the field of play to commence the match.

This is where the similarities between the Czech Republic and England come to an end. When you Referee a match in the Czech Republic you are under suspicion of being bribed every time you make a mistake. Every single time - whether it was an intentional mistake or not. It sounds sad, doesn’t it? Well, it is. And sometimes you hear the fans (or Club Officials) screaming: "How much did they give you, asshole?!" There are good Referees and there are corruptible Referees in the Czech Republic. Pretty much the same as policemen, clerks, politicians…etc. I hope that there are more good ones than bad.

Although there have been several proven incidents of Referee corruption, in most cases, there is a lack of evidence! So it is understandable that the fans have reason to be suspicious. In the autumn of 2003, the unhappy captain of a lower league team contacted a TV producer to prepare a trap. They bribed three Referees, and captured the act, and the corrupted games on film. It was not difficult to see which of the teams had the benefit of the Referees decisions! The films were shown on TV, and the three Referees were charged and proved guilty of corruption. They were subsequently suspended from Refereeing for 2 years. But (there always has to be but in the Czech Republic…) the same captain who instigated this "cleaning process" was himself charged and proved guilty of corruption also! The disciplinary committee found the captain's behaviour to be in conflict with the Competition Rules, so they had to punish him as well. The captain can protest to a higher authority against the decision. The Head of the Czech Football Association disciplinary committee has already said that it is not fair to punish the captain, as he was not attempting to bribe the Referees to get an advantage for his team - but was attempting to highlight the corruption rife in our country. There is a good chance that the captain will be pardoned, and we all hope that there will be a fair call in the end. Nevertheless the brave captain was nominated for the Fair Play Award that is issued by the Czech Olympic Board.

Corruption creates greatly added pressure on our Referees. Those people in our country, who have never been in the Referee’s position, cannot accept that we are only human like them, and prone to making a mistake once in a while. In England, Referees are shown more respect; but here in our country, we are not accepted as those who know the Laws, and who are there to make decisions on behalf of the players. In the higher leagues, players respect you more than players do from the lower leagues. Conversely, the behaviour of spectators and officials in the higher leagues is much worse. As a general statement - almost every player, official and spectator, in the Czech Republic, thinks that they know the Laws better than the Referee or than anybody else.

If a player, official or a spectator physically assaults the Referee, his Assistant Referee or the Fourth Official, then in the UK, appropriate action is taken against the perpetrator. And on most occasions, play continues – not so in Czech Republic. When such a situation occurs here in our country, and the victim is unable to continue his role in the match (because of physical or psychical reasons), the game is always stopped and terminated. Perpetrators can be punished for up to two years of suspension. A delinquent spectator can be forbidden to visit any football match for some time, and moreover can be sued by the home team to make financial recompense for the damages he/she has caused. Although this strict termination of matches is not usual in Western Europe, we are thankfully, better protected from this type of behaviour.

The Football Association (FA) of the Czech Republic is built on federative principals that unite the Bohemian and the Moravian parts of the Czech Republic. There are five main age groups of football. Under-10, U-14, U-18, men, girls and women. At the higher levels we also split the U-14 and U-18 categories into four "two-yeared" categories. Girls under 14, are considered as feminine players and are allowed to play together with boys in the U-14 group. Older "ladies" belong to the 'Women' category.

From the performance point of view, we have 10 levels of competition.

Our Premier League is known as: 1. Gambrinus liga with 16 teams. In its 10 year history, the league has been won by: AC Sparta Prague (8 times), SK Slavia Prague and FC Slovan Liberec. Below the 1. Gambrinus liga, there is the 2^nd league. Both of these competitions are run by the FA committees at national level.

Further down theleague structure, there are 2 equivalent leagues – the Czech Football League and the Moravian-Silesian Football League. Below these are 5 (equivalent) divisions – 3 for Bohemia and 2 for Moravia. Further dividing corresponds with the official territorial segmentation of the Czech Republic. We have 14 regions, and below them there are 88 districts (a former way of segmentation). This yields 3 region (Region Championship, 1^stA Class Champ. and 1^stB Class Champ.) and 3 district competitions (District Champ., 3^rd Class Champ. and 4^th Class Champ.) run by either regional or district committees. The only Cup Competition is The Czech FA Cup that is played in 8 rounds (played on one winning knockout game in every round).

Considering our country's size, we do have some International footballing success to be proud of. Czechoslovakia reached second place on the World Championship on two occasions – in 1934 (Italy) and in 1962 (Chile). Czechoslovakia won the European Championship in 1976 (Yugoslavia), and were also placed third in 1960 (France) and in 1980 (Italy). Czech Republic were second in 1996 EURO (England) and won the U-21 EURO 2002 (Switzerland).

Finally, let us consider our Czech International Referees. Amongst the most famous is Vojtech Christov. Vojtech refereed in the UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup final in 1980 in Brussels between Valencia and Arsenal. He also took charge of the UEFA Super Cup final in 1983 between Hamburger SV and Aberdeen. Another of our well-known Referees is Dusan Krchnak, whose top matches included the U-21 EURO final in 1985 between Italy and Spain and the 1988 UEFA Cup final between RCD Espanyol and Bayer 04 Leverkusen. Vaclav Krondl, another renowned Referee, officiated the UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup in 1994 between Arsenal and Parma AC in Copenhagen. These days, Vaclav is a FIFA commissary who is delegated for Champions League and World and European Championship Qualification matches.

In more recent years, one of our top world Assistant Referees is Evzen Amler. Evzen took part in the World Championships in 1998 (France) and in 2002 (Korea and Japan) where he was Assistant Referee to Urs Meier (SUI) managing the semi-final match between Germany and South Korea. Dagmar Damkova was the second female Referee to officiate a men's Premier League match (Liberec v Ceske Budejovice). She also refereed the 2001 UEFA Women’s Under-18 Championship final Norway v Germany. And the last to be mentioned is the very talented Michal Benes who is placed on the Premier UEFA list. Michal has already officiated in several Champions League and WCH and ECH Qualification matches, including the hotly contested U-21 match between Turkey and Germany. Michal hopes to achieve the Elite UEFA list in a few years time.