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REFEREES TO BE ISSUED WITH LUMINOUS PLAYER STICK-ON SIGNS

Officials worldwide are shortly to be issued with bright orange coloured self-adhesive signs that can be peeled off and easily placed on the foreheads of players (or managers), to enable Referees to quickly identify the stupid ones. 

In future, if a player or a manager during a game is being particularly daft, they are now obliged to wear a bright luminous orange sign on their forehead that says, "I'M STUPID".

This new system will allow Referees to ignore those who are wearing the  "I'M STUPID" signs, and not take anything said by them too seriously. This will allow Referees and concentrate more on the rest of the game. It would be like, "Excuse me....oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign. Sorry!"

Information has been gathered from Referees to show that the new system is already working a treat. Below are some real examples where Referees have been able to put the new "I'M STUPID" signs into good effect. 

It's like before my Assistants and I have even stepped out of the changing room, the Home Team manager enters and says, "Do you want your money Ref?"
"Nope - we only came to watch the game from the touchline, to try out our fancy-dress outfits. Oh….and here's your sign".

A couple of games ago, I cautioned a player and showed him the yellow card. One of his mates comes over and says, "You didn't really book him for that tackle did you Ref?"
"Nope - I was just scraping the sweat from his forehead! And here's your sign".

I was watching one of those Cup Finals on the television when the manager was loudly berating the Referee for awarding an offside. "There's no way you could have seen my player offside from the centre circle Ref.!"
Nope - but my Assistant who was dead-in-line did - and here's your sign.

There was an almighty fight on the field of play the other day. I stepped back to get a good ring-side seat whilst making a note of the perpetrators. Then the goalkeeper finally arrives and says, 
"Leave it to me Ref, I'll sort them out. Can you hold my sign for a minute, I don't wanna lose it !".

I asked a player if he could remove the broken glass down by my foot. He reaches down and grabs the shards of glass, blood spurting everywhere - then says, "Shit, that's sharp!". See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

As I tried to drive off the muddy field after the game, I misjudged a boggy patch and got stuck in the mud. I couldn't get my car out no matter how hard I tried pressing the accelerator. I called for help, and eventually one of the players arrives. He said, "Do you want some help Ref?"
Ok...no problem. I thought I'd give him another chance, and maybe he didn't really need a sign, .....until he asked, "So.....is your car stuck?". I couldn't help myself. I looked at him, looked down at my half-submerged tyres and then looked back to him and said. "No...I've parked my car here to prevent anyone else getting stuck, & here's your sign."

The other day, I heard an angry shout go up. "There's no way we can win against 12 today lads".
I called the 'shouter' over, and cautioned him.
He said. "What's that for Ref?"
I replied - "For not being able to count properly!"
He said. "I was only joking Ref".
"In that case, you've won a bonus - here's your sign".

The manager is tearing his hair out in the dugout. "You must of F^&*ing seen that tackle on my player Ref. It was right under your nose!"
"Na sorry mate, I was looking at my eyebrows at the time!" I replied. "Here's your sign, can you go and hang it up in the changing room."

Following an attempt to 'chop the legs of an opponent', I issued a Red card. The perpetrator decides that he wants to count the hairs up my nose, and spits out "You’re a dead man Ref!"
I take a step back in fright!
I raise my hands to my face and waggle my fingers.
OK, so far so good.
I take out my travelling mirror (no Ref should be without one), and hold it up in front of my mouth. It starts to steam up. Phew! The signs are getting better.
I pinch the soft skin on the inner side of my arm; "Bloody hell that hurt!"
"Thank Christ I'm still alive," I think to myself. He had me going there for just a minute.
"Oh,…… here you are mate, I forgot to give you your sign!"

Last time I had an injury, I limped over to the touchline for some treatment and a player walks by, looks at my leg, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Got a limp Ref?".
I couldn't resist it and I said, "Nope. I started off the game running around with both legs limping, but the other one sort of got better, and here's your sign".

Player: "How long Ref? 
Ref: "22mins 30 seconds."
Player: "Is that time already played or how long we have left?"
Ref: Here you are mate, stick this sign on your wrist!

At last weekend's adult match, the Referee had one official (neutral) Assistant Referee (AR) and one club linesman.
The Referee called the captains together for the coin toss and advised them that the neutral AR would be calling all offsides as normal, but the club linesman on this half would be calling throw-ins and ball out of play only.
One captain puts his hand up and asks "Does that mean there are no offsides in this half, then Ref?"
One sign for this gent, please. 

Last night, when I was Refereeing a game, a defender who had been moaning at me throughout the game, asked me if I had ever watched a game of football in my life? 
I paused, very slowly replied, "You know, now that I come to think about it; NO."
The player gave me a blank stare.
I just had to give him one of the signs!!

As I blew my whistle to award a penalty kick, this big twit of a defender puts his face close to mine! 
"You must be joking", he spat out with last night's beery breath.
I took a step back and politely said, "You mistake me for my brother."
The player gave me an odd sort of look that suggested that I would be more at home at the 'Funny Farm!'
I started to feel a little sorry for him, so I tried to help him out.
"You mistake me for one of my triplicate brothers Joe or Nosmo," I explained. "My name's Fred."
"Fred?" replied the even more bemused player. "Nosmo? What the hell have you been smoking Ref?"
"My name's Fred," I repeated for his clarification, "Fred King's my name Joe King is my brother, so I'm not Joe King as you wrongly implied!"
By this time, I had completely lost him, his head turned slightly away and his eyes sort of looked upwards and sideways, as if seeking some help from above!
"Here - have one of these stick-on signs," I said, "and if you go back into the changing rooms, you can sit next to the other sign where you will find my other brother Nosmo. He is in every changing room in the country, you can't miss him, just look for the Nosmo King sign!"

(By Julian Carosi)

30 years difference as a Referee

1975 Keeping up with play: 2005 Playing at keeping up.

1975 Applying advantage: 2005 Applying Grecian 2000.

1975 A head of hair: 2005 A hairless head.

1975 Long hair: 2005 Longing for hair.

1975 Lawmaker: 2005 Lawbreaker.

1975 Athletic of foot: 2005 Athlete's foot.

1975 Tooth floss grin: 2005 Toothless grin.

l975 Blowing the pee: 2005 Peeing and blowing!

1975 Going to a hip joint: 2005 receiving a new hip joint.

1975 Trying to look like George Best: 2005 trying not to look like George Best

1975 Parents begging you to get a hair cut: 2005 Children begging you to get your nose hair cut.

1975 Rolling stones. 2005 Kidney stones

1975 Passing the drivers' test: 2004 Passing a vision test.

1975 Screwing the system: 2005 Being the system!

1975 Disco: 2005 Disc goes!

1975 "Whatever": 2005 Never

1995 The wind in your sails: 2005 The wind of old males!

1975 A gut full of beer: 2005 A full beer gut.

1975 Doing it all night: 2005 Taking all night to do it!

1975 Always being on top! 2005 Being on the bottom!

1975 Size 36: 2005 36 different sizes.

1995 Coming early! 2005 Coming even earlier!

1975 Doing it whenever you can: 2005 Not much change there then!

A funeral service is being held for a referee who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers (players from the local football team) are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the referee is actually alive. He lived for ten more years, officiating in many more local games, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers (the same players) are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the team captain cries out, "Watch the wall!"

The offside rule explained for girls ..
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you simply must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. 
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be wrong to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse and buy the shoes.
She could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "while it is in the air" you could step in front of the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Wait until the purse has "actually been thrown" before stepping in front of the other shopper, if you are in front of the other shopper "at the moment the purse is thrown", you are offside.
There you go, poppet - all clear?

Six players were kicking and punching the Referee. 
A spectator said to the Assistant Referee, 'Aren't you going to help?'

The Assistant replied 'No, Six should be enough.'

A football league club dance was in full swing, with the club secretary taking tickets on the door, when a stranger arrived and demanded entry.
"Tickets please Sir?"
"I haven't got tickets!" said the man. "I'm a friend of the Referee!".
"Get out of here," said the club secretary, "Whoever heard of a Referee who had a friend?"

Did you hear about the Referee who went on a date with a football manager's daughter?
She dismissed him for handling, interference and trying to remove her jersey.

REF! what kind of a call was that??
"That was my call! Are you feeling OK? You are looking rather yellowish at the moment?" A touch of jaundice perhaps? Yellow Fever? I sure hope no red spots start appearing!
PLAYER - Ref ! for crying out loud he is all over me! Ref he pushed me! Ref he kicked me!
REFEREE - Hey player are you coming over for Christmas dinner?
PLAYER - Huh??
REFEREE - I asked are you coming over for Christmas dinner?
PLAYER - What the?
REFEREE - I just figured you complain so much you must be related to my mother in law and since the relatives all come over for Christmas I should perhaps send you a card?
PLAYER - Card?
REFEREE - Yes do you prefer the yellow variety or the red, very festive the red don't you think? Although many prefer the yellow?

Two Referees were sitting on bar stools having a drink or two after the game. The older Referee starts to insult the younger one. He screams "I slept with your mother!"

The bar room goes quiet and everyone looks towards the two Referees,….waiting with baited breath to see how the young Assistant will react.

The older Referee screams again. "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The younger Referee says:

"Go home Dad, you’re drunk".

Following a game where he had to send off two players from each side, the Referee decides to make a quick getaway after the game, and speeds off in his car. In his haste, he overturns his car on the first bend, and is thrown out through his windscreen. A few moments later, one of the players arrives in his car and goes to the aid of the Referee who looks in a bad way. The player whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "The Referee is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says: "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let’s make sure the Referee is dead."

There’s a short silence, followed by a kind of choking, throttling sound…..and finally a loud gurgled scream.

The player’s voice comes back on the line.

He says: "OK, so now what do I do?"

In the middle of the game, the Referee suddenly blows his whistle to stop the game when he sees a long funeral procession on the road that runs alongside the field of play. He closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer.

"Wow", said a nearby player. "That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I’ve ever seen. You truly are a kind man Ref. I’ll never think bad of a Referee again."

The Referee replies. "Yeah, we were married nearly 25 years".

FIFA finally realised that ballpoint pens are not much good when the weather turns to rain, so they decided to spend $500,000 on developing a special ink that would work in the rain.

The rest of us use a pencil!

A Referee rushes to his doctor, looking very worried and says "Doctor take a look at me. When I woke up this morning after a harrowing game yesterday, I looked in my mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled, with a large bald patch on the top. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes bloodshot and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What’s wrong with me?"

The doctor looks the Referee over and says:

"Well, there’s nothing wrong with you, and contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

Redtown Referees’ Society v Yellowtown Referees’ Society 6-a-side Tournament.

The Redtown Referees’ Society team coach walked into the changing room before the annual 6-a-side game between these two groups of Referees. He looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed the Referees’ exam yesterday, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: If there are three substitutes on one bench, and another three substitutes on another bench. How many substitutes are there altogether?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "6?" "Did you say 6?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other Referees in the room began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Two ‘up and coming’ Football Referees were taking an important final exam to test their general knowledge prior being promoted to the top Refereeing level. If they failed, they would be demoted to the lower Leagues and not allowed to be promoted for 10 years. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Graham was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure that he passed.

Making sure the FA examiner wasn't watching, he tapped David on the shoulder. "Pssst. David. What's the answer to the last question?"

David laughed. He looked around to make sure the FA examiner hadn't noticed then he turned to Graham.

"Graham, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Graham. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Tapping David’s shoulder again, he whispered, "David, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Graham. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

A lowly Referee was completing his field of play inspection at the local park before a game, and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month that a Referee has found me and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes every Saturday afternoon, so you can forget about three wishes. You only get one wish!"
The Referee thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to Referee the World Cup Final but have never been good enough. I’m much too fat, too old and to be honest with you, I’m not much of a Referee either. Could you turn me into a FIFA Referee, give me £10,000 per game, and make all the players call me "Sir"?
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the impossibility of that! How would you cope with the pressure? Think of how much weight you would have to lose...how much daily training!! If the payers called you "Sir" the Universe would collapse. No, think of another wish."
The Referee said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "Who would you like as your Assistant Referees?!"

As a Referee once, a few years ago, I remember having an Assistant Referee who had a terrible performance running the line during a Cup game.
He was so depressed, that the other Assistant and me could do nothing to pacify him.
At the end of the game, whilst we were getting changed, he pulled this hand gun from his kit bag and pointed it to his head.
We begged him not to do anything stupid but he would not listen.

"Shut up will you" he screamed at us in a terrible voice, "You're both next."

Sir Alex Ferguson had gone for a picnic with David Beckham and Premiership referee. David Elleray

They spread the groundsheet on the bank of a river across from a country pub.. 

“I’ll get the first round” said Beckham, who walked across the bridge and returned, carrying the tray of brimming glasses. 

They were nicely into the sandwiches when David Elleray announced “The next round is on me”, picked up the tray, stepped into the river,  walked across the water and returned the same way with the drinks. Sir Alex was astonished but said nothing - he could hardly contain himself but kept silent.

At the end of the meal, with the glasses once more empty, Sir Alex stood and said “Right lads, my shout.” With a look of panic, Beckham turned to David Elleray and said in an urgent whisper “Shouldn’t you tell him about the concealed stepping stones?”

“What stepping stones?”

A Referee walks into the bar after a game and orders a pint of beer and hands the barman a twenty pound (£20) note. The barman decides to rip the Referee off, so he hands him back a fiver (£5) in change.
The Referee accepts the £5 change, takes his pint and goes and sits down near the fire.
After a while the barman wanders over and starts talking to the Referee and says "You know, we don't get many Referees coming in here after the match".
The Referee says "I'm not f%*^!*% suprised at £15 a pint"

Have you heard about the new law they've just passed. Referees have to be buried 10 feet down!

Why's that?

Because deep down they are nice people!

Thanks to Jack Blakemore President of the  Wirral Referees' Society is on the other side of the River Mersey from Liverpool England.

1. "Are you adding this time on referee?"....Yes, of course but would you like me to add it on now, or at the end of the game?...more often than not the look of bewilderment on their face is worth the risk of a sarcastic retort.

2. Referee to only troublesome player on the pitch so far..."Do you know, there are only two players giving me any problem today and you are both of them!"

3.  Referee paces out the full 10 yards with fairly large strides..."Bloody Hell, ref.  that's more than ten yards"..Oh, didn't you know it's in metres now! "Sorry, ref.,didn't know that"  is often the ignorant response I get.

4. "Excuse me No.2, are you a Bus Driver?"..No, ref., why?..." 'Cos you're always late! Please try to time your tackles a bit better next time!"

Cheers Jack (from webmaster)

Heavy rain A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp. However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends. The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'

A Referee went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. He replied that he was Refereeing a game between Arsenal and Spurs at Highbury. With just a few minutes to go, and with Arsenal 1-0 up, he gave a penalty to Spurs in front of the North End. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a penalty'. St Peter said to him, 'when was this?'. The Referee looked down at his watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.

(Thanks Dave for the joke)

The Referee had accidentally collided with a player, fallen and injured his knee.

On his way back from the doctor's surgery after the match, he met one of the players from the game.

"You all right ref? You don't look so good. Bad news from the doc?"

"Yes it is. He says I can't Referee."

"Oh. Seen you in action has he . . .?"

An overweight Referee consulted his doctor for advice. The doctor advised that he run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help him lose as many as twenty pounds.

The Referee followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, he was pleased to find that he had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. He phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice that produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, he asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Bus Driver

John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.
John; "What was that?"
Driver; "It was a cat"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"
John; "Oh, fair enough"
A little farther down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.
John; "What was that!!?"
Driver; "It was a dog"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"
John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"
The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.
John; "What is it this time?"
Driver; "I hit a Referee"
John; "Oh my god. Is he alright?
Driver; "No he's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."
John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."
The driver called for an ambulance and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:
"If the big bump was the Referee, what was the small one?"
The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get him!"

The shrill blast of the whistle and the pointing finger of the referee stopped the player in his tracks.

The Referee beckoned him over and produced notebook, pencil and yellow card.

'It's a yellow card for you,' said the referee, waving the card at the footballer.

'You know what you can do with your yellow card!' shouted the player.

'You're too late, mate,' replied the referee. 'There's three red cards there already!'

Q. What do you call an Englishman in the finals of the world cup?

A. The Referee

Q. What do you call a Scotsman going to the World Cup?

A. Hugh Dallas!

Monday morning the Premiership referee goes to his building society to make a deposit. As he goes up the last step, he trips, falls full-length and knocks himself out cold. 

When he comes round, his first words to the paramedic bending over him are: "Where am I?". 

"You're in the Nationwide." replies the paramedic helpfully

"Oh no", says the astonished referee. "I didn't think I was that bad on Saturday."

A Referee goes into a sports shop in Bath to buy some kit, he says to the sales manager "Do you have any Referee kit?"
The manager says "No, we don't stock Referees' Kit".
Mmmmm says the Referee, "Can I have a wasp instead please?"
"A wasp?, what are you talking about a wasp you idiot, this is a sports shop". replies the manager.

"Yeah, but you had one in the window yesterday!"

A Referee walked into a really rough football club pub the other day after a game, the bouncer on the door asked him if he had any weapons, when he said no he gave the Referee a large hunting knife and told him to be careful.

A Referee and his Assistant are walking down the street.  The Referee says "Oh, look at that poor dead bird!"  The Assistant looks up into the sky and says "Where?"

A Referee walks into the football club bar after a game and asks the barman, "I'll have a pint of lager please" .The barman goes to pull his pint but the barrel is empty, "I'm just going to change the barrel mate, I'll be back in a mo". So while he's waiting the Referee hears a strange voice, "Like your hair mate", the Referee turns round but their ain't anyone there so he just ignores it. Again he hears another voice "Core nice suit mate", again there's no one there. This time he's getting worried when he hears another voice,"Lovely tie mate", now the Referee is really worried. The barman returns, "You alright Ref.? he asks", "No, I keep hearing these strange voices".

The barman replies "Oh don't worry they are just the complementary peanuts".

When a top English Premier Referee was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit by visiting all the Referee Associations, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his gardening. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, the English Premier Referee mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled the English Premier Referee in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. 

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." The English Premier Referee laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, the English Premier Referee donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of the English Premier Referee speech and even answered a few questions expertly. 

Then a supremely pompous Referee from the audience asked an extremely esoteric question about a complex off-side question, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the English Premier Referee with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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After dying in a car crash, three Referees go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first Assistant Referee immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great Assistant Referees of my time, and a great family man." 

The second Assistant Referee says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and teacher of the Laws of the game who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy (the Referee)  thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" 

A Referee buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the Referee calls the laundry detergent company and says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were Referees, one was a football player. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonising few moments no one volunteered. Finally the player gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. All ten Referees applauded.........

A lady was in her front yard mowing grass when her Referee neighbour came out of his house and went straight to his mailbox. He opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in his house. A little later, he came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, he again stormed back in his house.

As the lady was getting ready to edge the lawn, the Referee neighbour came out yet again. He marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the lady asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

A young ventriloquist is touring the football clubs and stops to entertain at a local football club bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid Referee jokes, when a large, Referee in the fourth row stands on his chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating Referee jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Referees that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a competent Referee?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep Referees like me from being respected at work and by the fans," he continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Referees but Assistant Referees at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The Referee interjects,

"You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little 'blighter' on your knee!"

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After a grueling game, a gorgeous blonde Referee walks into the  physiotherapist's office. She gets in the room with the physiotherapist's and says, "Hey! I hurt all over." The physiotherapist's is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The gorgeous blonde Referee says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the physiotherapist's sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The physiotherapist's says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

(sorry girls - no offence!)

An up-and-coming Referee was asked to attend an interview to see if he was suitable for promotion to the English Premier League middle. Reaching the end of the interview, the Chairman of the Interview panel asked the young Referee, "And what fees were you looking for?" The young Referee said, "In the neighbourhood of 2,000 pounds sterling a game depending on the benefits package." The Chairman said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks fully paid vacation on a Pacific Island, full time body guard, full medical and dental help, matching retirement fund to 50% of your current job salary, free entry into any ground, and a car leased every 2 years - say, a red Ferrari?" The young Referee sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the Chairman replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A senior lady football player who had been sent-off , decided to appeal against her punishment. At the disciplinary appeal, one of the three disciplinary appeal judges approached her and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Tompkins. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot in the Football world, when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Of course I know you." The appeal judge was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the table to the other appeal judge, and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know my colleague?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Brown since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his Sports Shop is one of the shoddiest in the entire country. Yes, I know him." At this point, the Chairman of the disciplinary appeal panel, rapped the room to silence and called the two disciplinary appeal judges towards him. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll never be asked to sit another appeal board again, and you’ll both be out that door within 5 seconds!"

As two Assistant Referees were making their way to the field of play which was 100 yards away from the changing rooms, one of the Assistant Referees looking up at the rain pouring down on them said, "Jim, look up. What do you see?"

Jim replied: "Well, I see more big black rain clouds coming our way."

"And what does that mean to you Jim?" "Well, I guess it means we are going to have a difficult game today. What does it mean to you, Fred?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen my umbrella."

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A good looking Lady Referee and a Male Referee returning from their respective games have a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Lady Referee says, "So you're a Referee, that’s interesting - I'm a Lady Referee.... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends forever, officiate games together, and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The Male Referee replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Lady Referee continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Malt Whiskey didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this to celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the Male Referee. He nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back . The Lady Referee takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Male Referee. He immediately asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Lady Referee replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to arrive..."

A Referee had a near death experience the other day when he went cycling, in an effort to get fit. Everything was going fine until the cycle started running away down hill and bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. With his foot caught in a pedal, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as he and the bicycle did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Sports Centre manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.

Two Assistant Referees were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The Assistant Referee with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and his friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

  A Referee told his doctor that he wasn't able to do run around the field, or tidy the house like he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the Referee. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my Assistant Referees and my wife."

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A Referee was asked to officiate a game in Spain. When he arrived, he stopped for lunch at a local restaurant. While dining, he saw a scrumptious looking dish pass by. It looked and smelled wonderful! He inquired to the waiter what it was.

The waiter replied: "Ah, Senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull balls from the bullfight this morning. A local exquisite delicacy!"

The Referee, though momentarily daunted when he learned of the origin of the dish, thought: "What the hell, I'm in Spain, do as the Spanish do," and then requested an order. The waiter regretfully informed the Referee, that there was only one order per day as there was only one bullfight each morning. The waiter related further, that if the Referee returned and placed his order early the next day, he would be sure to have an opportunity to try the rare dish.

The next morning after the game, the Referee returned, and much to his delight, was served the special meal. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones on the plate the previous day. At this, the waiter shrugged and replied, " Si, Senior. Sometimes the Bull wins."

The Plane Crash
A Boeing jet, carrying a contingent of Referees returning from an overseas Football tournament, flying at 35,000 feet over the Atlantic, runs into a terrible storm. Thunder, lightning, and high winds toss the big plane around the sky.
The passengers are scared. One woman Referee in particular is about to lose it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane shouting,

"I'm too young to die." Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable.
In my entire life, no one has ever made me really feel like a woman.
Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN???!!!"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a male Referee stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well-built, with jet-black hair and the bluest eyes, he slowly starts to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his Referee shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his Referee shirt, muscles ripple across his chest, and he extends the shirt to the trembling woman.
"Here," he whispers. "Iron this."

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Management Ladder

When "Blue Collar" workers get together, they talk about football and Refereeing.
When "Middle Management" get together, they talk about tennis.
When "Top Management" get together, they talk about golf.
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

A Monkey Can Do It

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" "Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything, but says it's a Referee."

A young Referee was leaving the Referees’ Association (RA) office late one evening when he found the (RA) Chief Executive standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the Chief, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young Referee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Chief as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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A football player is flying in a hot air balloon and realises that he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be a Referee" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to me whatsoever." The man below reflects for a moment, and then says: "You must be a football player." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the Referee, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, or what you’re doing, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's MY fault."

A young Referee named Tonks applied for a position at a Sports Shop based in London. An ex-road sweeper also applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications (none) were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Tonks and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the road sweeper the job."

Tonks: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being a Sports Shop and me being a Referee I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Tonks: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The road sweeper put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

An Assistant Referee turns up for a game with both his ears bandaged up. "What happened to your ears?" asks the Referee. The Assistant Referee replies: "Yesterday I was ironing my Referee’s top when the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."
"That explains one ear, but what happened to the other one?" continues the Referee.

"Well, I had to call the doctor!" says the Assistant Referee.

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A young Referee had just started his own firm to provide Referee kit. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with the most expensive office equipment that money could buy. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the Referee picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big order for Referee kit to process. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

A Referee arrives at his game and sees one of his Assistant Referees sitting in the changing room, totally depressed and stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went straight home after every game for two months and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped to relieve the stress of Refereeing. You should try it too!". Four months later when they meet up again at another match, the Referee sees the same Assistant Referee in the changing room, happy and full of energy, and raring to go. "I see you followed my advice? " says the Referee to the Assistant Referee.

"I did", answers the Assistant Referee, "It was great! By the way, I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

A football player dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah,  you're a football player -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the football player reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the football player gets dissatisfied with the lack of football fields in hell, and starts building and marking out numerous fields of play. After a while, they've got Cup competitions, FIFA standard grounds and flush toilets and free admission, and the football player is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got Cup Competitions, FIFA standard football grounds and flush toilets and free admission, and there's no telling what this football player is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got a football player? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having a football player on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll Red Card you."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a Referee?"

Refereeing or Wife?

The Referee's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Saturday afternoon with me instead of Refereeing I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

One day, while the seven dwarfs were deep in the mine, there was a rock fall. When they didn’t arrive home at the usual time, Snow White went to see what was wrong. She called anxiously down the mine and was greeted by a faint response. “I want to be a referee; I want to be a referee”. 

Snow White smiled in relief: “Well at least Dopey’s still alive”.

Special Refereeing Books. If you can find em!
By Julian Carosi.

A Goal Scored by Shelly Brate ! 
Abandoning Games by Wayne Dwops
Almost Missed the Kick Off by Justin Time
Alone in the middle by Saul E. Terry
Anticipation by Crystal Ball
Appurtenances by Annett, Ann A. Powst
Are You Blind Ref? by Miss Takes and Miss Haps
Assistant Referee by Lynus Mann
Awarding a Penalty by Omar Gosh
Bad Game by Gladys O. Vernow
Big Shorts by Lucy Lastic
Black Eyed Players by Lee Dinglebow 
Bleeding Players by Ian Drury 
Bubbles in the Refs Bathtub by Ivor Windybottom
Bursting Ball by Dee Flated 
Can't See by Dustin Mye
Centre Circle Refereeing by Sir Cumference
Cheating by Sir Cumvent 
Collina by Amanda B. Reckonwith
Damaged Crossbar by Finbar Broke
Dangerous Play! by Luke Out
Dealing with dissent by E. Nuff
Dealing With Injuries by R.U. O'Kaye
Decision Making by Joyce U. Make
Effect of Alcohol on the Referee by Eileen Dover
Enterprising! Starting Point" by Senator Spock
Fitness" by Nosmo King
Friend or Foe? by Archie N.E. May
Good Shooting by Eamon Target
Half-Time Practice by Mustafa Pee 
Handball by Hu Cares
High Balls by Jock Strapp 
Hose Down by Paul Emup
How not to Win by Lou Zerr
How to pay the Referees fee by Robin Bank
How to Refuse Matches by Colin Sick
I'm Gods Gift to Refereeing by P. Rick
Inside the Line? by Justin 
Keeping it Shut by Phil McAvity
Keeping Up With Play by Miles Away
Keeping Up With Play (Vol 2) by Sheik Aleg
Law 1 by Phil de Plae 
Law book by Lauren Order
Meet me in the Car Park by C.U. Layter
Missing Markings by Adeline Quick
No Goal by Delia Brate/Andy Ball !!! 
Nutter"by Ed Case
Offside by Izzy Reilly? 
Over the Crossbar by Amy B. Lowett
Overcoming Match Stress by R.E. Lachs
Penalty by Shirley Knott? 
Rattling Coins by Lucinda Pockett
Referees Guide by Justin Casey Needzit
Referees Wallet by Titus A. Drum
Referees' Positioning by Di Agonal 
Simulating Field Poetry by Di Verse!!! 
Simulation by Gil Tee
How to unblocking Refs loo by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
Unmarked Attacker by Hugo Mark
Start of the Game by Chuck Penny
Supporting the Referee by Jacques Strap
Team Sheets by Alice Toffmen
Tell um Off by Chas Tate
The American Ring by Senator Sickle! 
The Red Mist by Sven Dingov 
The Smell of the Changing Room by Farrah Mones
The Stretcher" by Carrie Mehoff
Waiting in Line by Ivana Tinkle
Was not me Ref by Ivan Alibi
Who Thumped Who? by Howard I. Know
Why two whistles? by Justin Case
World Cup Final 1998 by Frances Day
You must be Joe King 

Julian Carosi (webmaster)

"Quotes From Sports Commentators"

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch  this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my G~d!   What have I just said?"

Thanks to Jo for the 'Quotes'. (Webmaster)

A Referee is sitting in the changing room one day after a game and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his Assistant Referees to send the players out to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one £million.

So his Assistant Referees announce this to the players in the next door’s changing rooms and everyone rushes out. The first player walks into the Referee’s changing room and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The Referee is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the player to step aside, and wait for the other players to return.

Another player brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The Referee is astonished, and says to the player, "Wow! That's a humungous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last player’s ball!"

The next player starts pushing this HUGE, hairy , bloody, brown thing into the Referee’s changing room. The Referee jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"

The player replies:

"Ping pong ball? Ping pong ball?

I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"

International Referees' Exam Question.

To ensure that International Referees are of a certain intelligence level, the last test of the top level Referees' exam is a question that they must all pass before they are allowed to officiate games in the highest World level. After passing all of the previous questions and tests with flying colours, a new International Ref. called Sid enters the classroom full of confidence that he will be seen shortly on televisions throughout the World, officiating such international teams as Brazil, Manchester United and Real Madrid.

The International Referees' Examiner asks the Referee the final question: "Tell me Sid, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

" Ah, that's simple Mr Examiner", says Sid, "it's me!"

"Well done Sid", says My Examiner, and Mr Examiner is very impressed.

On return to his country, Sid is so impressed with the efficiency of this simple test, that he tries it out on one of his Assistant Referees to gauge his intelligence the night before they are due too officiate in their National Cup Final.

He is sitting in the 5-star hotel bar the day before the game, with his experienced senior Assistant Referee Barney and asks,

"Barney, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Barney thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Ref., and I'll give you the answer tomorrow before the game?"

"Of course," says Ref., "you've got 24 hours."

Barney goes away, thinks as hard as he can, rings his local Referees' Association, all of his Referee friends and the Football Association headquarters, but nobody knows the answer. Two hours before the game, Barney is very worried and does not want to let the Ref. think that he is an idiot - still no answer and not long to go. Eventually he says

"I know, I'll speak to the junior Assistant Referee Fred, he's young and clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls Fred. "Fred," he says, "tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says Fred, "it's me!"

"Of course!", says Barney and just before they are about to enter their national football stadium to officiate the Cup Final, Barney says Ref., "I've got the answer - it's Fred".

"No, you idiot", says the Ref., "it's me."

Conundrum Question: 

What enters the field of play at the start and leaves at the end?
- Is usually bigger at the beginning than at the end - but sometimes it remains the same size.
- Its colour is standard, but it can be any colour.
- It can rarely be seen - yet occasionally is there to see.
- It is not an essential part of the game - yet without it there may be some difficulty.
- At half time (and after the game has finished), although it has disappeared, it may also still be there.
- In some games it is easy to locate, yet in others it cannot be located.
- In some Premiership games, it makes no appearance at all.

Conundrum Answer:
What enters the field of play at the start and leaves at the end?
Ref's Pencil lead
The Ref takes it in and he takes it out!

- Is usually bigger at the beginning than at the end - but sometimes it remains the same size.
Ref's Pencil lead
In some games you use it and in some you don't!

- Its colour is standard, but it can be any colour.
Ref's Pencil lead
Don't tell me that you have never had to use one of your kid's colouring pencils before! It's possible!

- It can rarely be seen - yet occasionally is there to see.
Ref's Pencil lead
Some Refs poke it out of their sock tops but it is difficult to see - some put it out of sight in their pocket!

- It is not an essential part of the game - yet without it there may be some difficulty.
Ref's Pencil lead
Don't tell me that you have never done a game without a pencil. Some Refs also use a pen.

- At half time (and after the game has finished), although it has disappeared, it may also still be there.
Ref's Pencil lead
Broken leads, minute fragments of carbon lead on the grass etc. - Well! you didn't expect me to make it too easy for you did you? ;-)

- In some games it is easy to locate, yet in others it cannot be located.
Ref's Pencil lead
As above: Some Refs poke it out of their sock tops but it is difficult to see - some put it out of sight in their pocket. - Some Refs also use a pen instead

- In some Premiership games, it makes no appearance at all.
Ref's Pencil lead
Some top Refs use those wipe-on wipe off thingummiejigs!


Julian ;-)

The Referee is waiting patiently for his bus after the game, and is happily eating his fish and chip supper from out of the bag. An old lady's dog nearby gets excited by the smell of chips and starts jumping up and down and barking with pleading eyes towards the Referee.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit", says the Ref.
"Not at all" replies the old lady with a thankful smile.
So he picks up the dog and throws it over the wall.

A Referee visits the doctor to complain of constipation. Take these tablets home with you, and place one in your back passage each night for seven days and come back to see me if it does not do the trick. A week later, the Referee returns and says, "I tried placing one tablet in my back passage for four days Doc, but when that did not work, I tried leaving the last three by my front door. But that didn't seem to work either!"

A referee was very nervous about being appointed to a match with a team that he had experienced severe problems with a few weeks earlier. They were renowned for being violent and uncooperative. When the Referee arrived at the ground, he was pleasantly surprised to see a welcome card addressed for him in the changing room, containing a strange coded message:

Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. The senior surgeon
had to pull them apart.
"What's this all about?"
"It's the Referee in G ward.. he's only got two days to live".
"He had to be told," said the second doctor.
"I know." said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"

A referee working an international school tournament calls a delay before starting a match in order to allow a thunderstorm to pass by. Both teams and the officials find themselves in the clubhouse chatting when the ref proclaims " I heard a good joke the other day!" and begins to tell it to the team captains who are standing near by. The joke started like this " A French priest and an Italian nun met at the fish market one day..."

At this point one of the assistants elbowed the ref in the ribs and whispered in his ear " Ref, one of these teams is from a French school and the other is Italian - and they're probably mostly Catholics! You might want to be careful about how you tell this story!"

Giving his assistant a wink he replies " Thanks for the heads-up. I hate it when a good joke goes flat."

The ref turns back to the captains and starts over....... " O K BOYS I WILL TALK SLOOOOWLY AND YOU CAN PUT UP YOUR HAND IF YOU NEED HELP WITH THE BIG WORDS. A FRENCH PRIEST AND AN ITALIAN NUN......"

CAR TROUBLE
A referee pushes his BMW car into a petrol station. He tells the mechanic it died. After t he mechaninc works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The referee says, "What's the story?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
The referee asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

RIVER WALK
There's this referee out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another referee on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" he shouts, 
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second referee looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A football player goes into the doctor's office and said that his body hurt wherever he touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The player took his finger, pushed his elbow and screamed, he pushed his knee and screamed; likewise he pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a player are you?
"Well, no" he said, "I'm actually a referee."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the referee behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that the referee was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the police man cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the referee yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A referee was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and he landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

AND FINALLY
An assistant referee was visiting his referee friend, who had just acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were. The referee responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

The assistant referee said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the referee, "They're watch dogs! I always have one in each hand."

We're starting up an amateur football team. Would you care to join?' 
'I would, yes, but I'm afraid I don't know, the first thing about football.'
'That's all right. We need a referee as well.

A spectator at a match in the North of England kept up a constant barrage of insults and derogatory remarks directed against the referee. 
Finally the ref could stand it no longer. He marched over to the stand and, looking the noisy spectator squarely in the eye, shouted, 
'Look here - I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes . . .' 
'I thought so,' the spectator shouted back. 'I knew you couldn't have been watching the game!

Referees at Celtic Rangers matches always have a particularly hard time. One poor unfortunate, officiating at his first fixture, was checking in with the team managers before the kick-off. 
'Well, that seems to be about everything,' said the Rangers boss. 
'Now, if you'd just like to give us the name and address of your next-of-kin, we can start the match.'

The angry captain snarled at the referee. 'What would l happen if I called you a blind bastard who couldn't make a correct decision to save his life?' 
'It would be a red card for you.'
'And if I didn't say it but only thought it?'
That's different. If you only thought it but didn't say it, I couldn't do a thing.'
'Well, we'll leave it like that, then, shall we?' smiled the captain

Just a minute, ref!' yelled the goalkeeper. 
'That wasn't a goal" 
'Oh, wasn't it?' shouted the referee. 'You just watch the Sports Report" on television tonight!'

The office-boy had taken the afternoon off to attend his uncle's funeral. His boss, a keen football fan, went the same afternoon to watch a match between Aberdeen and Celtic, and he saw the office boy among the crowd. 
'So this is your uncle's funeral, is it' he said sarcastically.. 
'I shouldn't be at all surprised,' said the office boy. 'He's the referee.

An old Assistant Referee walked up to the Referee Kit/Equipment stall at his Football Association's annual convention and asked to buy one flag.
The young Referee working on that stall told him that they only sold pairs of flags.

The old Assistant Referee was insistent that the young Referee ask the Head of FA Sales Manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the young Referee said to the manager, "Some old b****rd wants to buy one flag." 
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the old Assistant Referee standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other one."
The manager approved the deal, and the old Assistant Referee went on his way. 

Later the manager said to the young Referee, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" 
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Which team did she play for?"

Referee: I'd like a packet of helicopter flavour crisps please.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I've only got plain.

A Referee walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the Referee takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the Referee his fifty dollars and the Ref. walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind even if you are a Referee!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and the Referee walks away.

A Referee bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The Referee thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A Really Bad Day 
There was this Referee at the Club bar after ten game, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making player steps next to him, takes the drink from the Referee, and just drinks it all down. The poor Referee starts crying. The player says, "Come on Ref., I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a Ref. cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I forget my kit, and then sent off the wrong player. I miss nearly every offside in the game. When I go to leave the ground in my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the away team's manager. I leave home, and comeback to the Club bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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