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A parody

Football Weapons of Mass Destruction by Stanley Lover

From our Front Line Football War Correspondent  Over-flying spy cameras have caught the atrocities on film with close-up evidence of collateral damage to jaws, eyes and teeth Elbows are the current Football Weapons of Mass Destruction (FWMD). I've witnessed many horrific atrocities committed by elbow FWMD in the name of victory at all costs.  On every football battlefield two armies of warriors, each equipped with 22 of these deadly ready-for-immediate-launch missiles, engage in hostilities in the guise of a sporting contest - for the glories of victory, fame and fortune. Each army holds a reserve of potential FWMD in dugouts ranged along the borders of disputed territory. Football police inspectors (match officials) know of their existence but their task of detection is made impossible when the lethal weapons are secreted under long sleeves or, when exposed, are cleverly camouflaged to appear as normal arms. How to detect the use of elbow FWMD occupies much time of war directors and football police but, effectively, the police are left on their own with their limited resources of human eyesight. Elbow FWMD are most effective when arms are bent to a sharp bone crushing point and delivered to targets around the neck or face. They are employed in skirmishes disguised as legitimate attempts to claim possession of a prize object - a leather sphere.

Some cunning launchers time their strikes away from the prying eyes of the football police but, when spotted, they are signalled by a shrill blast of a whistle. Hostilities are stopped abruptly, and a temporary truce declared - to allow officers of the Medical Corps to enter the battleground and remove the dead and treat the wounded. In the meantime, the war police, confused by ham-acted claims of innocence by the assassin, are submerged in a mob of protesting fist-fighting troops. In the Official Observation Grandstand opposing Army generals and their political masters exchange verbal fire across gangway spaces. One side cries 'FOUL'; the other claims provocation and horror that their gentleman warrior should be so victimised.

But, over-flying spy cameras have caught the atrocity on film, with close-up evidence of collateral damage to jaws, teeth and eyes. Highly paid experts, seated in front of revealing screens, interpret the ugly scenes of mayhem and apportion blame. Often the football police are accused more severely - by cynical words of weakness and incompetence - than the culprits.

After the battle, filmed reports of the skirmish are examined, dissected, and debated in Fair Play committees by men of honour, dressed sometimes in UNO-blue suits. They pronounce judgements which may result in resting the guilty warrior from front line duty to reflect on his crime for a certain period. But, his elbows are not destroyed; his FWMD remain fused, to be used again when he returns, refreshed, into the next conflict.

The Rules of War (usually referred to as the Laws of the Game) are strict on correct battle-dress fashion for combatants in the front line. Rule/Law 4 pronounces thus:

'A player (combatant) must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (combatant) - (including any kind of jewellery)

Forbidden items of jewellery e.g., rings or religious objects which scratch, tear and blind; necklaces, which choke and slice open blood- spouting jugular veins etc., must be controlled by football police. Obligatory self-protection includes shinguards, to reduce damage inflicted by reckless studs-up assaults. 
There is a simple solution to elbow FWMD, which protects both the launcher and the victim. On the principle of prevention is better than cure, elbow FWMD can be neutralized by requiring battling warriors to wear elbow pads. 

Apart from reducing calls for medical services, adding 'elbow pads' to Law 4 will ease the workload of Football War Crimes Commissions because, by removing the threat of elbow FWMD from arsenals of football battalions, embedded battle lawyers will have fewer cases to argue to hang assassins and jail incompetent football police.  Elbow FWMD neutralizers are available - as one supplier claims - as 'high density, lightweight, low-profile foam protection for elbows, with cotton sleeves to give comfort, support, and flexibility'.

An example of an elbow FWMD neutralizer

Commercial neutralizers could be purchased for 15 to 20 US$ for two, in black or coloured, before the Great Bank Meltdown crisis of 2008. If cost is a deterrent safety and eco-conscious fair-players can improvise with pairs of old socks, cut-down, stretched over arms, and stuffed with cotton-wool over sharp-boned warheads. 

This proposal is tabled as just one measure to reduce casualties and reinforce the struggle for the hearts and minds of innocent football civilians - weary of violence in their favourite sport.

Yours in sport,
© Stanley Lover 2009