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Open letter to all players (by Stanley Lover) Don't learn the rules! "…….if you knew all the rules, and respected them, we'd be out of a job.."

"I went for the ball Ref!"

Dear player,

Don't - please, don't - learn the rules of the game! If you have ever witnessed a match between two teams of soccer referees you will understand why I make this plea.
In these encounters all the players know every word of the rulebook, back-to-front, inside out, every nuance of interpretation. Does that make them ideal models of the way soccer should be played; within the timeworn codes of discipline and fair play; respecting the Referee's decisions with the dignity of ancient gentlemen amateurs? No, Sir !
Don't go out of your way to see one of these 'games'. You will be horrified, especially if there is an element of rivalry between local referee groups. They usually form part of pre-season training, intended as a fun-event, followed by drinks for all in the bar. 
Cunningly, the teams approach a promising young recruit to take the whistle. An irresistible invitation, a golden chance to show senior peers what a treasure they've found. Ah, innocent youth !
Those twenty-two players (a loose description) have three common aims ;
(a) to show how well they can play, 
(b) to purge accumulated frustrations and revenge for hard times suffered over the seasons from players, fans and parents, and, 
(c) to give the 'little treasure' a memorable baptism of fire.

And what a baptism! Before the match starts there will be testing questions. "Referee, this surface is bumpy and probably dangerous. Have you checked it out? Where is the medical help? Did you notice that one goal seems bigger than the other? Where is the fourth corner-post (we've hidden under kitbags)? That ball's a bit soft, is it at the right pressure? Is their keeper allowed to wear the same coloured socks as us? Are you starting with only one goal net? Our coach wants to play the first fifteen minutes - OK? We've agreed the Offside Rule won't apply to this game - OK?" etc. etc.
From the first whistle - mayhem ( an inadequate word to describe what follows)! Within seconds comes the first protest, "REFEREE! Their number 10 was a yard inside our half when the ball was kicked-off! What about Law 8?" 
One minute later a five-star official, who's been getting all the best games and publicity, is thumped skywards from a vicious studs-up tackle from behind. "Went for the ball, Ref!" yells the culprit, with a suitably pained expression - what an actor! 

So it goes on throughout the match. "He was offside from that throw-in, Ref". 
"'e's got razor blades fixed to 'is boots! Check 'em out REFEREE!"
"No! Ref, I was swearing at myself - honest !"
During the battle double-red cards are often justified but they never appear- our learner ref wouldn't dare. 
At least there are no mom and dad comments from the touch-lines for, as we know, these players have no legitimate parents. But the subs, committeemen and 'friends' for each team, provide plenty of banter to goad the players to higher levels of mischief.
I've been there, done that, still got the bloodstained T-shirt and the scars as souvenirs. At least I survived. Many don't. 

Dear players, if you knew all the rules, and respected them, we'd be out of a job so just learn a few to help you play to your talents and leave the rest to us. OK?
Thanks. Have a good season.

Yours in sport,
Stanley Lover
©Stanley Lover 2004